Discover Mass of Funny Facebook Status And Funny Jokes,Quotes: facebook status updates

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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

25 Funny Facebook Status Ideas !

Dave feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
Katie used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.
Dave is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while...
Katie dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)
Dave says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Katie is cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd
Dave is wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.
Katie is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Dave doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.
Katie ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
Dave is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Katie thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"
Dave before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!
Dave Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Katie "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."
Dave is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
Katie Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.
Dave is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
Katie is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute
Dave just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
Katie would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.
Dave believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
Katie ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
Dave Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"
Katie is Loading ████████████ 99%

Valentines Day Funny Facebook Status Updates!

Romeo...

says let's make February 15th OUR valentines day.

says there is someone for everyone but wasn't really thinking about you.

says don't worry... it's not contagious.

says, "you make me feel dead inside"... Happy Valentines Day

says on this Valentines days... Please don't make me choose between you and porn.

already killed some helpless flowers for you... what else do you want?

loves Valentines day, where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

wants to remind you that nothing says "I love you" more than somebody else's words mass produced on re-cycled paper.

says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you... via this Facebook Status update.

says, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, It's Valentines Day, And I have a hangnail.
Now a soft kiss – Aye, by that kiss, I vow an endless bliss.Happy Valentine Day.
Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone how much you love, how much you care. Because when they’re gone, no matter how loud you shout and cry, they won’t hear you anymore.Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.
Roses are red, violets are blue,The first time I saw you, my heart knew it was true!Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.
True love comes quietly,without banners or flashing lights.If you hear bells, get your ears checked.Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.
I’ll love you, dear,I’ll love you till China and Africa meet and the river jumps over the
mountain and the salmon sing in the street.Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.
I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day.
When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.
Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred, then a thousand more.” – Catullus.Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.
Our thoughts quickly turn in your direction.This Valentine poem is meant to show you
How very glad we are to know you!Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.
I’d rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck.Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.
U R like ASTHMA,U take my breath away. U R like DANDRUFF,cant get u out of my head & U R like my HEARTBEAT I cant live without u x Wishing u a very Happy Valentine Day.

Tags: Valentines Day Funny Facebook Status Updates,text,sms,facebookwall share,status,girlfriend wall,boyfriend wall,new collection,whatsapp messages.

Wine Inspired Funny Facebook Status Updates!

NAME is...

a sauvignon with a perfume of piña coladas, an overly sweet riesling and a chardonnay so oaky it tasted as if it had been aged in a box of No. 2 pencils.
a nonvintage tawny port that reminded me of long-abandoned Halloween candy, with hints of Skittles and off-brand caramels.
delightful, barrel-aged, full bodied, with distinct pineapple & honeysuckle aromas; good blend of wood & fruit with a hint of sweetness.
rich & fruity, underpinned by a generous amount of smoky oak; nice structured tannins penetrating ripe cherry nuances
elegant, yet approachable; peppery with a cherry aroma and hints of chocolate, rounded out by a great balance of oak & tannins
intense, a purple red color, cherries, plums, cedar, vanilla, well-structured & complex, rich with smooth tannins & deeply flavored
a luscious pure pleasure. Black cherry, and tobacco notes burst into textured fruit flavors followed by spicy black pepper and well-defined beautiful finish.
an inviting bowl of plump & juicy sweet berries with a splash of shiraz. Exciting, off-dry and enjoyed at room temperature or chilled on a warm summer day
very elegant, fresh style, combines a subtle oak spice with tobacco, dark chocolate and a hint of autumn dry-leaf aromas in the background.
Well-structured with a velvety smooth palate and firm mature tannin. Serve with roast duck breast.
has both intensity and concentration. A wild berry core is enhanced with hints of chocolate and mossy earthiness. A mid-weight wine, slightly tart and not too heavy

50 Funny Status For Facebook !

Dave.... If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

Kate.... Is beating her current record for number of consecutive days alive.

Dave.... Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Kate.... ► PlayTheMoments ▌▌ PauseTheMemories ■ StopThePain ◄◄ RewindTheHappiness.

Dave.... Just changed the name of my iPod to "the titanic" so whenever i plug it in to my computer it says "the titanic is syncing"

Kate.... Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

Dave.... "Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."

Kate.... I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!

Dave.... Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?

Kate.... is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

Dave.... Build a man a fire and he is warm for a day. Set him on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.

Kate.... --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death.

Dave.... ¿ǝʍ ǝɹɐ pǝƃuǝןןɐɥɔ-ǝןƃooƃ ˙˙˙ʇxǝʇ uʍop ǝpısdn ʎq ǝɹɐ ǝןdoǝd pǝssǝɹdɯı ʍoɥ ʎuunɟ s,ʇı sʞuıɥʇ

Kate.... Just bought a new warddrobe from focus, looked at the box and was surprised to find it said " Self Assembly "..... I've been sat here now for three fu*k*ng hours and yet it still hasnt put itself together

Dave.... Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

Kate.... I have a friend whose status says 'suicidal standing on edge of cliff'. I poked him.

Dave.... Is proud of himself, he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Kate.... ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Dave.... Does performing oral sex on women provide a good source of Omega3?

Kate.... ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

Dave.... Isn't going to take life seriously... Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Kate.... a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Dave.... Bought a new stick of deodorant today. Instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom" ... I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely

Kate.... ⒽⒶⓅⓅⓨ ⓃⒺⓌ ⓎⒺⒶⓇ

Kate.... 43% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Hell, 72% of people know that!

Dave.... Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.

Kate.... status under construction ██████████████] 99%

Dave.... Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.

Kate.... Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

Dave.... believes that the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it.

Kate.... I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.

Dave.... You know your job is shit when the parking meter outside where you work makes more per hour than you do.

Kate.... ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶

Dave.... Cut here —————–✄———————-

Kate.... I hated it when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said "you are next". They stopped that when I did began to do the same to them after funerals.

Dave.... I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

Kate.... Invented Al Gore

Kate.... if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF

Dave.... scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today's status.

Kate.... Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.

Dave... ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington

Kate.... is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself..

Dave.... ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬

Kate.... is going to jail, directly to jail. She is not passing go. She is not collecting $200.

Dave.... Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!

Kate.... Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money!

Dave.... Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Kate.... I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Dave.... Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.

Kate.... --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death.

Facebook Smiley!

Here is the full list of Facebook smileys for you to use in Facebook chat! After a few days research I’ve managed to find all of them – so here they are. Which is your favourite emoticon? Would you like to see any others? Maybe you can leave a comment and then we can discuss the Facebook smileys together!

Facebook chat woot smiley – O.o
I mean…what the hell did you just say? I can’t believe you said that! Wooooot?! This is the face to give when your chat buddy just dropped the bomb on you!

Facebook kiss smiley – :*
The Facebook chat smiley for kissing is one of the least romantic (but most effective) emotes there are. Send this to your boyfriend or girlfriend and watch them melt into the screen!

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Facebook chat wink smiley – ;)
A wink smilie can mean a lot of things, but if you want to make sure that your message comes across loud and clear then send this one to the other side!

Facebook chat tongue smiley – :p
In some countries, sticking out your tongue can be very rude – but in the world of Facebook it is not at all annoying! It just means that you want the person you’re chatting to can take a joke, and you can give one!

Facebook chat sunglasses smiley – 8-|
Some people like to wear sunglasses inside the house, and other people like to beat them up for it! Now you can continue the tradition of putting cool shades on your emote face by using these sunglasses.

Facebook chat smiling smiley – :)
Well, there’s nothing more traditional than this smiley! It’s a common grin, and it is used in every single chat system that has ever been invented! That includes Facebook chat!

Facebook chat happy eyes smiley – ^_^
If you like to watch cartoons set in Asia, then you’ve probably seen these cute eyes before. Inspired by the east, pefected in the west – this happy eyes smiley emoticon can get you a lot of affection online!

Facebook sad smileys – :(
Don’t get mad, get even! Don’t get sad, get the sad smiley emoticon! This little face can show perfectly if what your friend has told you is completely depressing and rude…but don’t let them see you down!

Facebook chat robot smiley – :|]
Voted one of the top five coolest smilies for Facebook chat, the robot is a hark back to times that were a little more innocent, when we didn’t know that there was a huge range of machines ready to come and take over the world (or at least our homes). The robot smiley can lead you to the future!

Facebook Putnam smiley – :putnam:
This looks like a man’s face…because it is a man’s face! The Putnam emoticon is a reference to the chat engineer who used to work at Facebook, and now has his big head involved in the software forever!

Facebook pacman smiley – :v
The Pacman smiley can make any gamer grin with pleasure – it’s a reference to the 1980′s coin-op machine which made huge numbers of teenagers lose all of their spare money by continually going to the arcades to play. Viva la history!

Facebook heart smileys – <3 data-blogger-escaped-strong="">
This icon is one that you can use forever – it can show everyone that your heart is in the right place (even if your mind is elsewhere!). Send this heart to your family, friends or colleagues to give them some love when they need it!

Facebook chat glasses smiley – 8)
If you wear glasses, you may have been the victim of bullying at some time or another. Not any more. The Facebook smiley for glasses is now your super defence in the fight against annoying people who make your life hell – you can paste it into your chats and show people that you now are the coolest person around!

Facebook chat gasp smiley – :o
If you have heard some rumous or gossip that have blown your mind, then why not use the gasping emoticon on Facebook to show everyone that you just can not believe what has happened!

Facebook chat errr smiley – :/
I’ve made this face in real life about twenty five times already today – and every dumb person I see it just rises again and again. The “errrrr what the hell are you talking about” face is a classic!

Facebook chat doh smiley – >:-(
If you’ve ever seen The Simpson’s, then you know that America’s first family has a father who can not stop saying the phrase ‘doh’! Now you can do a face which looks just like this one!

Facebook devil smiley – 3:)
This naughty little devil emoticon is one which you can use to show that you’ve been bad, good or sexy! It’s up to you! Just make sure that you’re not religious!

Facebook chat crying smiley – :’(
If you want to show that you’ve never been more hurt, emotionally or physically, then why not insert this crying face into your Facebook chats.

Facebook chat cat smile smiley – :3
If you want to show that you’re happy inside and outside, then this little cat faced icon is perfect for you.

Facebook big smile smiley – :D
One of the most well known emotes that there is on the internet, the big mouth smiley can be used to show that you are completely happy with the situation!

Facebook chat angel smiley – O:)
I know you’re not the devil, and you know – so why don’t you show everyone that in reality you are an OK person – the angel smiley is for you! If you’re not that innocent however…don’t use it!

Facebook chat aiya smiley – >:o
Sometimes you need to tell people that you can’t believe what you said!

Facebook shark smiley – (^^^)
One of the latest smileys that Facebook has introduced, the shark emoticon is one of the coolest and most fun ones there is! It looks like the character Jaws from the 1980s movie – so don’t get bitten!

Facebook penguin smiley – <(")
If you want to use a big cute character for your smiley then look no further than the penguin! It’s a cute face and you can use it in your Facebook chats and confuse everyone you speak to!

Well, there are all of the possible Facebook smileys that you can use in your chats online! Don’t be shy – use them all today and impress and amaze your friends!

101 Funny Facebook Status Updates!

decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
Dear Santa, let me explain…
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
_̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
Cut here —————–✄———————-
Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
press the star below and watch it glow
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
too cool for school.
trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
–^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
definitely not watching what not to wear.
forcing my dog to learn how to google.
kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
X is Loading ████████████ 99%
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
a day late and a dollar short.
Insert coin to view my status message.
If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
> $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
20/20 hearing!

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Monday, December 2, 2013

Funny Facebook Quotes!

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- Unless your job is being a priest.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
- Get the oven on, we might as well try!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
The old ones are the best!
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Funny New Year’s resolutions

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
- Nobody should be punished for doing something that they love!
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
- Nature first, let’s save the environment together!
I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
- Many a true word spoken in jest!
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- To be honest, this is true. The fact is that I know I’ll never find it (until we throw away the sofa).
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
- Like you’ve never done that.
I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
- I’m thinking of 123abc – what do you reckon? Secure?
I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
- I hate those scams on TV (but I can’t help buying from them)!
I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses and 6 blogs.
Maybe I should cut down to 5 and 5?

Very Funny Facebook Status!