If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.
A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- Unless your job is being a priest.
- Unless your job is being a priest.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
- Get the oven on, we might as well try!
- Get the oven on, we might as well try!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
The old ones are the best!
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- Nobody should be punished for doing something that they love!
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
- Nature first, let’s save the environment together!
I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
- Many a true word spoken in jest!
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- To be honest, this is true. The fact is that I know I’ll never find it (until we throw away the sofa).
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
- Like you’ve never done that.
I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
- I’m thinking of 123abc – what do you reckon? Secure?
I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
- I hate those scams on TV (but I can’t help buying from them)!
I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses and 6 blogs.
Maybe I should cut down to 5 and 5?
The old ones are the best!
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Funny New Year’s resolutions
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.- Nobody should be punished for doing something that they love!
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
- Nature first, let’s save the environment together!
I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
- Many a true word spoken in jest!
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- To be honest, this is true. The fact is that I know I’ll never find it (until we throw away the sofa).
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
- Like you’ve never done that.
I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
- I’m thinking of 123abc – what do you reckon? Secure?
I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
- I hate those scams on TV (but I can’t help buying from them)!
I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses and 6 blogs.
Maybe I should cut down to 5 and 5?
