Funny Facebook Quotes!

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- Unless your job is being a priest.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
- Get the oven on, we might as well try!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
The old ones are the best!
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Funny New Year’s resolutions 

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
- Nobody should be punished for doing something that they love!
I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
- Nature first, let’s save the environment together!
I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
- Many a true word spoken in jest!
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- To be honest, this is true. The fact is that I know I’ll never find it (until we throw away the sofa).
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
- Like you’ve never done that.
I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
- I’m thinking of 123abc – what do you reckon? Secure?
I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
- I hate those scams on TV (but I can’t help buying from them)!
I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses and 6 blogs.
Maybe I should cut down to 5 and 5?

Angry Facebook Status

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people could learn to manage their stupidity.

Anger is a feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

I don’t need to manage my anger, people need to manage their stupidity.

I don’t regret my past. I just regret the time I have wasted with the wrong people.

You should have two Facebook accounts. One for each face.

There is no excuse for cheating in a relationship.

I will not delete you or block you. I am keeping you there so you will be able to see how happy I’m without you.

I would not have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

Everything is getting expensive except some people, they are getting cheaper.

When you stopped believing in me, I did too.

Some things can never be forgotten and nor forgiven.

The more I get to know guys, the more I like dogs.

I just don’t care if anyone doesn’t like me I wasn’t put on earth to entertain everyone.

I told you I needed you, you told me the same. I wasn’t lying, so why didn’t you tell the truth?

My life, My choices, My problems, My mistakes, My lessons. Not your business, mind your own problems before you talk about mine.

Don’t put words into my mouth. I have got plenty to say. Don’t tell me how to live my life, I do things my way.

Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

Some friends are like pennies. Two-faced & worthless.

You can’t trust anybody these days…you think you have a good friend till you turn around and realize they have the knife 6 inches deep in your back.

Don’t make so many promises when you can’t even keep one.

 

No matter how long you know someone, they eventually show their true colors.

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

I’m the person that the more you complain about me, the harder I’ll try to annoy you.

Two things to remember, DON’T make decisions when you’re angry and DON’T make promises when you’re happy..

No matter how angry i am at you, and say i am done with you, i really don’t want to lose you.

Your mistake is letting me go, my mistake was letting you in.

Don’t make promises when you’re happy. Don’t reply when you’re angry. Don’t make decisions when you’re sad. Don’t text when your drunk.

While you’re hating your life just because you can’t get what you want, someone is praying to have a life like yours.

Telling someone to calm down just makes them so much more angry.

Ya know what I hate. Being ignored! If you don’t want to talk to me anymore then just tell me and quit beating around the bush.

sometimes hearing the music is just the best way to ignore the world

You think that you have damaged me but really you just made me that much more stronger Thank You

There are no words to describe the anger and frustration that I am feeling right now.

I’m gonna come back as a bird in my next life. There are just some people who I feel deserve a little of their own medicine.

When we don’t know who to hate, we hate ourselves.

Do you ever get the feeling that you would like to reach out and just choke someone?

Attitude and personality are two different things.

Beware, I’m not in my greatest mood today..

You have a problem with me. I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it..

By God, there’s a lot to make you angry.

 

Don’t chat with me just when you’re bored. Bitch please! My name is not Adam Lambert. I’m not here for your entertainment.

 

My silence doesn’t mean that I quit… It simply means that I don’t want to argue with people who just don’t want to understand..

Never regret something that once made you smile.

It’s funny how you can still love a person, but you stop needing them like you used to.

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Ive tried and tried and now I give up. I refuse to be the perfect friend to people that cant treat me with the same respect.

Knows there’s a name for people like you.

If you think your opinion of me has any effect, Honey let me assure you that none of my self worth is wrapped up in what you think of me.

Attitude and personality are two different things.

No matter how long you know someone, they eventually show their true colors.

If you’re going to talk about me behind my back, don’t smile at me to my face.

May kill you in the morning?

Is getting close to just walking away?

Did you ever just want to slap the stupid out of someone?

Is singing ‘if you’re angry & you know it punch their face’

 

Very Funny Facebook Quotes,Funniest Greetings & Wishes !

Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels. (From All Bachelor Girls Association) :)

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

The human brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exam or are in love.

My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning.

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions :)

I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice :)

If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.

If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking :)

I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them :)

All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.

Try to say the letter M without your lips touching.

Excuse me …. Plesae empty your pockets …. I think you stole my heart.

Silence is the best answer of all questions and Smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately both never help in VIVA & INTERVIEW.

I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi :)

I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat :)

Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)

The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won :)

Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday :)

Nothing is illegal until you get caught :)

Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. :)

Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

The definition of a beautiful girl is one who loves me :)

I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something :)

Only fools fall in love and I guess I’m one of them :)

God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China :)

Friday is my second favorite F word.

For all the girls that say ….. All guys are the same …… Who told you to try them ALL.

Every girl deserves ONE GUY who looks at her every day like it’s the first time he saw her. And Im that ONE GUY :)

I think I got a fever, a fever of you :)

I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday :)

Please GOD if you can’t make me slim, make my friends fat.

For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember thats where the knives are kept. :)

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.

Its better to fail than to cheat but its better to cheat than to repeat.