Short Jokes & Funny One Liners!

They lived happily until they married

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What did one ghost say to another ghost? “Do you believe in people?”
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They call our language the mother tongue because father seldom gets to talk
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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
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Sanjay: I passed by your house yesterday.
Anil: Thanks, I really appreciate it.   
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The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
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By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There’s water in the carburetor”. I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
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I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
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If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!"
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What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds!!
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Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
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Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
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Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
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Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
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I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
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Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
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Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
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I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
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Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.