Innocent boy to a girl at party: Would you like to dance?
Girl smiled and said: Yes.. for sure!
Boy: So can I take this chair?
I don't think I'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist!
My back is not a voice mail. Say it on my face.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
If your mom can't find it, it's gone forever.
You want everyone to be great and funny. I'm not saying I'm great, but I'm funny.
Why to keep her at home in witness of all relatives. Keep the problems outside.
Me: Can I copy your homework?
Her: Yeah but the answers are probably all wrong.
Me: I don't care, thanks!
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Love at first sight. Well I fall in love with girls at every sight.
The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them!
We all know that one guy who makes excuses for everything and can't own up to shit.
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
What you eat standing up doesn't count.
Girl to girl: "Awhh, you're really pretty!" "Thank you so much, you are too!" Guy to guy: "You're handsome" "Wtf? Dude are you Gy?"
When your parents call you by your full name, you know shit's gonna happen.
Two astronauts are on the moon. One says to the other "Its nice here isn't it?".
The other replies, "Yes, have you got any crisps ?"
I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.
A german soldier sticks nine jews and an italian soldier into an oven. His commandant demands to know why he put the italian ally in the oven. I was greasing the oven, he replies. -Kurt
1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
Me: "Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on."
Them: "Ok, cool."
Me: "Your luggage is outside."
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
If that childhood friend is with you - Everyone is getting screwed up.
Kid: I got a 100 marks in school today.
Dad: Wow, what did you get a hundred for?
Kid: Two things -- 50 in English and 50 in Maths.
Pregnancy used to be a beautiful thing. Now it's like, "she pregnant too?" "Oh"
Self control.. please come back to me!
You must continue laughing and enjoying experience with these Hilarious Jokes and funny quotes.
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