'Bringing together the world's top 100 most Hilarious Short Jokes ever. It helps every individual to step into the world of uncontrollable laughter and humor. So why not to use these pranks when they are too good for health, available free and very easy to recall. They are really good medium to remove boredom and to start a good conversation. No one laughs without any reason and they give you that one. Never skip any chance to laugh because it gives you lots of hidden benefits.'
Man: Why are beating your son in law so badly?
He replies: I sent hi message that you have become father but he forwarded this message to his friends!
Boy messages text his Girl "Honey, I can't live without you! When you come to me?"Here is the KILLING Reply -"Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?"
I thing..Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers!
Photographer: My secret of success is? 'Think negative'!
Make no mistakes. The junior is your biggest prospect!
Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you...
Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!
I have already acted on your memo on saving power in my department by an immediate ban on employee empowerment!
My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got a detention after asking which end!
It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!
How Bedroom smells after marriages:
First 3 months - Perfumes and Flowers!
After 12 months - Baby Powder, Cream, diapers and Lotions!
After 7 Years - Balms, Move and pain killers..
Why do she make weird faces in pictures? Because it's better to look ugly on purpose.
Description: Here we poke fun at the people who pretend to be over-smart. Some people think that they are very genius that we can not smell what's happening in their mind. But they catch her. I know she is not beautiful so that is why she makes crazy faces in pictures. After reading 'ugly on purpose' statement, no-one can control their laughter.
When will Persian cats begin to join the armed forces?
When you cut their furlough.
submitted by Julia Gandrud
If Olive Oil is made from Olives and Vegetable oils from Vegetables, then what is Baby oil made from???
submitted by Naveen Khanna
Him: I kiss my Wife everyday before I leave for Office, what about you?
Me : Me too, after you leave!!
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my god, how did that happen?"
The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my but-t."
One day little sunny and his friend were playing by a stream. Sunny noticed a bush and went over to it. His friend couldn't figure out why sunny was at the bush for so long so he went over to the bush to have a look. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing without any clothes in the stream.
While playing, suddenly little sunny took off running. His friend couldn't understand why he had run away so he took off after him. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he had run away. Little Johnny said, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady
I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Dad: What time did you go to bed last night?
Me: Sorry but that information is confidential!
Point of laughing: This is very exhilarated joke. It portrays the conversation between parents and their teenagers. They are so fun and party loving that asking for what time they sleep really creates the situation to laugh on. It need not to be disclosed!
Warning: Touching wire can cause instant death.
250$ fine too!
I think...therefore, I'm.... single!
Those awkward conversations with the hairdresser.
Description: Yeah, That awkward moments when you go to saloon, sit on his chair and have nothing to talk about but still try to utter something. Do you hear that voice of your brain - what the hell I am talking about.
World's shortest Joke ever is when Doctor asks: How's your headache?
Patient: She is fine!
Description: So if you are married you better understand this. She always go after you and can not see you happy at all. She keeps on the burden of expectation to husband and filled with endless complaints. So how is that!
My neighbor is so short, when he sneezes, he hits her head on the floor.
Description: The right joke when you want to make punch on those small height people. Their forehead touches the ground, LoL. Thank God they don't fall down and roll!
Never ask for the ‘High Five' from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five'!
Yo mama so small she poses for trophies!
The surprising thing you can hear from a midget is 'Your hair smells good'.
He asked me: How's the weather up there? and I replied: Its warm, how's it down there?
Girl goes on a party but on her way she hits a small car. the car stops and a dwarf comes out. He runs to the girl's cars and yells "I am not Happy!" so she replies: "Then which one are you?"
Once a midget gets on an elevator and somehow pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The short man stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen." The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-10, weigh 286 lbs., and I repair fax machine, I'm Turner Brown." He faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6-10, weigh 286 lbs., I repair fax machines, my name is Turner Brown." He looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said ‘I am a s ex machine, Turn Around'."
Girl having Lessor height goes to the doctors with a sore fanny, she says can you cure it doctor, he says yes, goes down below with a pair of scissors.
After he finished, she asks: Have you cured it.
Yes, doctor says
But how? Girl asks?
I just cut two inches off the top of your wellies!!
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Interpretation: Don't try above formula to impress your boos. Just kidding. But how smarty he uses the terms early and late just by replacing one with another.
I want you to continue sacking. I don't want people to believe that we've one soft.
For quick personal success, listen to my mantra: 'Please your boss'!
Interpretation: It is strange but true! As I am doing extremely well by doing so. Try your best to make your boss happy, laugh with him, say yes to his all wrong decisions and grow enough.
Mack: What sign were you born under?
Silky: No Parking!
Description: What a hilarious reply. Mack was just asking about her sun-sign but she made him fool by her witty answer. It also refers that she believes in breaking the rules even since from her birth!
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Explanation: Don't underestimate old people! They are much experienced in everything and their stamina rocks. That is why she surprised he grandson by her reply. Can you imagine? Really so brave but funny too!
Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.
- Jim Kinloch
If we count sheep to fall asleep, what do they count?
A Shepherd
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed. - Jennifer Aniston
Everyone hates the sound of their own voice on video?
You can always double your drive space.
How?
By deleting Windows!
But for gravity, I'd be a high-flyer.
Girl: Do you hate me?
Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Watching a beautiful girl! That is the major reason for road accidents!
I wonder that cat's hair is lonely people glitter.
Once a small boy tries to press a doorbell on a house.
I lady noticed that. That boy is very small and the doorbell is too high. Lady thinks that she should help him. So she comes near to him, lifts him and boys rings that doorbell. She asks to that kid: Now what, sweet little man?"
Smart kid replied: Lets run!
I want you to look at me the same way I look at pizza!
Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Something you mount: "A mountain.."
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
What's long, hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
I love tiny, plastic realistic food magnets. I don't know why. They're hilarious.
Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot.
J C: I have an engineering degree what should i do with?
P K: Sell it at OLX. LoL.
Fastest mode of communication - Tell a girl a rumor and take promise to keep it as a secret.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
My train of thought just ran off the track.
"My memory is really so bad" "How bad is it?" "How bad is what?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
Rape is such a horrible word that I would replace it with snuggle!
Me: I want a hot and attractive body.
Me: Does/apply absolutely nothing to achieve this.
Only in math problems can you buy 50 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.
I love watching scary movies!" *10 minutes later* "Friend walk me to the bathroom.
The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.
That neighbor knocked on my door at 1.15am this morning, can you believe that 1.15am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Are you from Toy Story? Because you just gave me a Woody
"The spider is more sacred of you than you're scared of it!" "Oh really, did it tell you that?!"!
Where are otters from?
Otter Space
'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Web.
Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?
Because all the fans have left.
I am forever alone.. Ops.. Correction, forever available.
So much to do, so little time.
It was love at first site - The love with Internet.
Smoking weed doesn't make me a bad person, just like going to church doesn't make you a good person.
There is always a negative person who demotivates your ideas by adding 'What if'.
So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were in my bathroom begging my sponge for the krabby patty formula."
Men are liars.
But we lie about lying if we have to.
Ask me if I'm Sky!
Are you a Sky?
No.!
A kiss can be 10 times more effective than morphine in reducing pain by triggering the body's natural painkillers.
How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
How do you know all men are idiots?
I married their king!
In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Yes, I do can take a joke. That just wasn't funny.
Mother-in-law is a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.
My commitment is to truth, not consistency.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
My life is as good as a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.
I am sure that I am an awesome singer but when no one is listening.
I get irritation when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Her friend asked her how to spell pen is, and she told - you should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue.
You hate the moment when you wash your car and it rains later
Patrick: I'm mad. Spongebob: Why's that? Patrick: I can't see my forehead.
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
"EVERYONE SHUT UP" *answers phone* "Hi Dad.."
It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score.
I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not looking for change.
I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence..
Yeah officer, I saw the "speed limit" sign, I just didn't see you!
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Earth is full. Go home.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!
Miss (on call): You say Ronny has fever and can’t come to school today?
I am speaking to?
Reply: Well, This is my father.. Lol
It is so ridiculous when people say you've changed. It's like, yeah I also used to be a fetus, but now look at me.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand …
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Leave bad enough alone!
Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change.
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
How did the woman feel after she got ran over? Tired!
I could say something brilliant at any moment!
What do you call a zipper on a banana?
A fruit fly.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
I'm smiling. This should scare you.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels!
How did the police scare the bugs away?
They called for the S.W.A.T. team.
Why do chicken coups have two doors? Cuz if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
Why don't elephants ride bikes? Because they don't have a thumb to ring the bell!
Females always try to impress males by wearing hot dresses. But we are Impressed Only when They remove them.
Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Because he's back in town and he wants your number.
I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!
I love mankind–It’s people I can’t stand.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt.
That awkward moment when you catch someone's eye exactly when they're picking their nose.
Girls eyebrows these days be looking like they got sponsored by sports Nike!
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
i do not understand why people take me so seriously i never even know what I am saying.
I Hate being fat but I love eating food.
Morning things --
Me: okay it's 7 am
Me: I should get up me: just five seconds
Me: 5 minutes
Me: 5 hours
Me: 5 days
Me: 5 years
When I am at t work and don’t know what to do, I just tend to walk fast and try to look worried.
I wonder If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder', then what would you call men underwear?
It would be known as under the but nut hut?
Hey officer! There's a bomb in my gallery!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within 2 days, you can keep it.
Man goes to the vet about his dogs fleas. The vet: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' Man asks why. 'Because he's far too heavy.'
Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
A guy on his 50th wedding anniversary: "Fifty years! It's like three minutes...under water.
It's funny when people are telling you a story and you're just thinking 'lie lie lie' but you go along with it anyway..
It's your money. You paid for it.
Man: There is a strawberry growing out of my head.
Dr: I'll give you some cream to put on it.
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL - MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." "WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT."
What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins?
Slippers.
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
What did the birdy say when it flew over wal-mart?
cheap cheap cheap!
Mark: What's 5Q plus 5Q?
Lucy: TenQ?
Mark: You're welcome!
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they’re always being lied to about what 8 inches really is!
How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
How do you know you live in the real world?
You get evicted now and again!
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.
What do you call a man who inherits a dairy?
Well.. A Dairy Heir!
When a nickname for a slim person: "Slimy.."
What would it be for a liquid: "Paint.."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
Interviewee: Tell me, why did you leave your previous job?"
Interviewer: The company relocated and they did not inform me where!
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
Their honeymoon period is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
What kind of fish has two knees?
A tunee fish.
What is the best way to beat a blonde?
You put a sneef sticker bottom of the pool and write sneef here..
Man: Why are beating your son in law so badly?
He replies: I sent hi message that you have become father but he forwarded this message to his friends!
Boy messages text his Girl "Honey, I can't live without you! When you come to me?"Here is the KILLING Reply -"Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?"
I thing..Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers!
Photographer: My secret of success is? 'Think negative'!
Make no mistakes. The junior is your biggest prospect!
Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you...
Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!
I have already acted on your memo on saving power in my department by an immediate ban on employee empowerment!
My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got a detention after asking which end!
It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!
How Bedroom smells after marriages:
First 3 months - Perfumes and Flowers!
After 12 months - Baby Powder, Cream, diapers and Lotions!
After 7 Years - Balms, Move and pain killers..
Why do she make weird faces in pictures? Because it's better to look ugly on purpose.
Description: Here we poke fun at the people who pretend to be over-smart. Some people think that they are very genius that we can not smell what's happening in their mind. But they catch her. I know she is not beautiful so that is why she makes crazy faces in pictures. After reading 'ugly on purpose' statement, no-one can control their laughter.
When will Persian cats begin to join the armed forces?
When you cut their furlough.
submitted by Julia Gandrud
If Olive Oil is made from Olives and Vegetable oils from Vegetables, then what is Baby oil made from???
submitted by Naveen Khanna
Him: I kiss my Wife everyday before I leave for Office, what about you?
Me : Me too, after you leave!!
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my god, how did that happen?"
The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my but-t."
One day little sunny and his friend were playing by a stream. Sunny noticed a bush and went over to it. His friend couldn't figure out why sunny was at the bush for so long so he went over to the bush to have a look. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing without any clothes in the stream.
While playing, suddenly little sunny took off running. His friend couldn't understand why he had run away so he took off after him. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he had run away. Little Johnny said, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady
I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Dad: What time did you go to bed last night?
Me: Sorry but that information is confidential!
Point of laughing: This is very exhilarated joke. It portrays the conversation between parents and their teenagers. They are so fun and party loving that asking for what time they sleep really creates the situation to laugh on. It need not to be disclosed!
Warning: Touching wire can cause instant death.
250$ fine too!
I think...therefore, I'm.... single!
 | Description: Of-course she is so fatty and over-weighted that the scale got afraid of her weight and replied, I can not answer in 10 digits. A kind of satire as well as cool punch. |
Those awkward conversations with the hairdresser.
Description: Yeah, That awkward moments when you go to saloon, sit on his chair and have nothing to talk about but still try to utter something. Do you hear that voice of your brain - what the hell I am talking about.
World's shortest Joke ever is when Doctor asks: How's your headache?
Patient: She is fine!
Description: So if you are married you better understand this. She always go after you and can not see you happy at all. She keeps on the burden of expectation to husband and filled with endless complaints. So how is that!
My neighbor is so short, when he sneezes, he hits her head on the floor.
Description: The right joke when you want to make punch on those small height people. Their forehead touches the ground, LoL. Thank God they don't fall down and roll!
Never ask for the ‘High Five' from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five'!
Yo mama so small she poses for trophies!
The surprising thing you can hear from a midget is 'Your hair smells good'.
He asked me: How's the weather up there? and I replied: Its warm, how's it down there?
Girl goes on a party but on her way she hits a small car. the car stops and a dwarf comes out. He runs to the girl's cars and yells "I am not Happy!" so she replies: "Then which one are you?"
Once a midget gets on an elevator and somehow pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The short man stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen." The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-10, weigh 286 lbs., and I repair fax machine, I'm Turner Brown." He faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6-10, weigh 286 lbs., I repair fax machines, my name is Turner Brown." He looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said ‘I am a s ex machine, Turn Around'."
Girl having Lessor height goes to the doctors with a sore fanny, she says can you cure it doctor, he says yes, goes down below with a pair of scissors.
After he finished, she asks: Have you cured it.
Yes, doctor says
But how? Girl asks?
I just cut two inches off the top of your wellies!!
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Interpretation: Don't try above formula to impress your boos. Just kidding. But how smarty he uses the terms early and late just by replacing one with another.
I want you to continue sacking. I don't want people to believe that we've one soft.
For quick personal success, listen to my mantra: 'Please your boss'!
Interpretation: It is strange but true! As I am doing extremely well by doing so. Try your best to make your boss happy, laugh with him, say yes to his all wrong decisions and grow enough.
Mack: What sign were you born under?
Silky: No Parking!
Description: What a hilarious reply. Mack was just asking about her sun-sign but she made him fool by her witty answer. It also refers that she believes in breaking the rules even since from her birth!
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Explanation: Don't underestimate old people! They are much experienced in everything and their stamina rocks. That is why she surprised he grandson by her reply. Can you imagine? Really so brave but funny too!
Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.
- Jim Kinloch
 | Description: They say take risk to get success in life but our comedians say that the span of life is really very very short so why to put in danger by taking risks. Why not to live into our comfort-zones and enjoy watching others doing stupid things. The main motto is to have lots of fun while we are alive. What a cool statement! |
 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? | Description: It is rightly been said that the person who wants to drink finds lots excuse for doing it. So when someone asks them that it is not the right solution for the problem, he immediately replies that alcohol is too good in forgetting all tensions. |
If we count sheep to fall asleep, what do they count?
A Shepherd
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed. - Jennifer Aniston
Everyone hates the sound of their own voice on video?
You can always double your drive space.
How?
By deleting Windows!
But for gravity, I'd be a high-flyer.
Girl: Do you hate me?
Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Watching a beautiful girl! That is the major reason for road accidents!
I wonder that cat's hair is lonely people glitter.
Once a small boy tries to press a doorbell on a house.
I lady noticed that. That boy is very small and the doorbell is too high. Lady thinks that she should help him. So she comes near to him, lifts him and boys rings that doorbell. She asks to that kid: Now what, sweet little man?"
Smart kid replied: Lets run!
I want you to look at me the same way I look at pizza!
Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Something you mount: "A mountain.."
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
What's long, hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
I love tiny, plastic realistic food magnets. I don't know why. They're hilarious.
Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot.
J C: I have an engineering degree what should i do with?
P K: Sell it at OLX. LoL.
Fastest mode of communication - Tell a girl a rumor and take promise to keep it as a secret.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
My train of thought just ran off the track.
"My memory is really so bad" "How bad is it?" "How bad is what?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
Rape is such a horrible word that I would replace it with snuggle!
Me: I want a hot and attractive body.
Me: Does/apply absolutely nothing to achieve this.
Only in math problems can you buy 50 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.
I love watching scary movies!" *10 minutes later* "Friend walk me to the bathroom.
The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.
That neighbor knocked on my door at 1.15am this morning, can you believe that 1.15am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Are you from Toy Story? Because you just gave me a Woody
"The spider is more sacred of you than you're scared of it!" "Oh really, did it tell you that?!"!
Where are otters from?
Otter Space
'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Web.
Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?
Because all the fans have left.
I am forever alone.. Ops.. Correction, forever available.
So much to do, so little time.
It was love at first site - The love with Internet.
Smoking weed doesn't make me a bad person, just like going to church doesn't make you a good person.
There is always a negative person who demotivates your ideas by adding 'What if'.
So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were in my bathroom begging my sponge for the krabby patty formula."
Men are liars.
But we lie about lying if we have to.
Ask me if I'm Sky!
Are you a Sky?
No.!
A kiss can be 10 times more effective than morphine in reducing pain by triggering the body's natural painkillers.
How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
How do you know all men are idiots?
I married their king!
In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Yes, I do can take a joke. That just wasn't funny.
Mother-in-law is a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.
My commitment is to truth, not consistency.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
My life is as good as a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.
I am sure that I am an awesome singer but when no one is listening.
I get irritation when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Her friend asked her how to spell pen is, and she told - you should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue.
You hate the moment when you wash your car and it rains later
Patrick: I'm mad. Spongebob: Why's that? Patrick: I can't see my forehead.
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
"EVERYONE SHUT UP" *answers phone* "Hi Dad.."
It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score.
I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not looking for change.
I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence..
Yeah officer, I saw the "speed limit" sign, I just didn't see you!
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Earth is full. Go home.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!
Miss (on call): You say Ronny has fever and can’t come to school today?
I am speaking to?
Reply: Well, This is my father.. Lol
It is so ridiculous when people say you've changed. It's like, yeah I also used to be a fetus, but now look at me.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand …
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Leave bad enough alone!
Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change.
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
How did the woman feel after she got ran over? Tired!
I could say something brilliant at any moment!
What do you call a zipper on a banana?
A fruit fly.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
I'm smiling. This should scare you.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels!
How did the police scare the bugs away?
They called for the S.W.A.T. team.
Why do chicken coups have two doors? Cuz if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
Why don't elephants ride bikes? Because they don't have a thumb to ring the bell!
Females always try to impress males by wearing hot dresses. But we are Impressed Only when They remove them.
Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Because he's back in town and he wants your number.
I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!
I love mankind–It’s people I can’t stand.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt.
That awkward moment when you catch someone's eye exactly when they're picking their nose.
Girls eyebrows these days be looking like they got sponsored by sports Nike!
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
i do not understand why people take me so seriously i never even know what I am saying.
I Hate being fat but I love eating food.
Morning things --
Me: okay it's 7 am
Me: I should get up me: just five seconds
Me: 5 minutes
Me: 5 hours
Me: 5 days
Me: 5 years
When I am at t work and don’t know what to do, I just tend to walk fast and try to look worried.
I wonder If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder', then what would you call men underwear?
It would be known as under the but nut hut?
Hey officer! There's a bomb in my gallery!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within 2 days, you can keep it.
Man goes to the vet about his dogs fleas. The vet: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' Man asks why. 'Because he's far too heavy.'
Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
A guy on his 50th wedding anniversary: "Fifty years! It's like three minutes...under water.
It's funny when people are telling you a story and you're just thinking 'lie lie lie' but you go along with it anyway..
It's your money. You paid for it.
Man: There is a strawberry growing out of my head.
Dr: I'll give you some cream to put on it.
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL - MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." "WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT."
What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins?
Slippers.
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
What did the birdy say when it flew over wal-mart?
cheap cheap cheap!
Mark: What's 5Q plus 5Q?
Lucy: TenQ?
Mark: You're welcome!
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they’re always being lied to about what 8 inches really is!
How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
How do you know you live in the real world?
You get evicted now and again!
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.
What do you call a man who inherits a dairy?
Well.. A Dairy Heir!
When a nickname for a slim person: "Slimy.."
What would it be for a liquid: "Paint.."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
Interviewee: Tell me, why did you leave your previous job?"
Interviewer: The company relocated and they did not inform me where!
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
Their honeymoon period is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
What kind of fish has two knees?
A tunee fish.
What is the best way to beat a blonde?
You put a sneef sticker bottom of the pool and write sneef here..
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